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I thought I was a real Piece of Shit.

“There's something wrong with you, if you think there's something wrong with you.”


Yes I just quoted myself because it made me giggle.

For quite some time I had a serious self-infliction. I couldn’t stop thinking about how big of a piece of shit I had been on one particular occasion. I was Jessica's caretaker for many months while she was battling lung cancer, and it was an uphill battle to say the least. For months after her passing, my mind constantly recalled one memory in particular. One evening I screamed at her. Here my wife is, battling for her life, can't do much for herself, and has to rely solely on myself and my family – and I have the audacity to yell at her out of frustration.

My mind used to torment me by constantly bringing that up until one day everything clicked for me. I found it very peculiar that my mind would only choose to bring up that one instance, highlighting it over and over again, yet it wouldn't bring up one of the thousand examples of me being a truly compassionate and kind caretaker. I remember thinking, “well that's not very fair, I feel like my mind is trying to make me feel bad about not being perfect.”

And that's exactly what my mind, or ego, was trying to do. Well I rolled up my sleeves and had a little conversation with myself.

“It’s Interesting that you choose to highlight that one moment and make me feel really bad about it, yet you don't highlight so many other moments where I really shined. So to be honest, I don't think you have a very fair perspective because you're not even bringing up moments that were just neutral. You’re trying to summarize an entire season of my life off this one event. That’s bullshit. That guy back there, he was doing the best he could… and considering the circumstances of him fighting for his wife's life every single day, while navigating a gauntlet of stress and fear, he actually did pretty damn good. I’m not going to allow you to drag me through the mud on this anymore.”

And you know what I did after that little exchange? I sat down in a little meditation and recalled that exact moment where I yelled at Jessica in as much clarity as possible. I had to do it. I had to face that moment, I had to watch it and let it wash over me. And as I reviewed everything that occurred, I told myself this vital fact.

“That man was doing the best he could, and I love him for it.”

I meant it, I felt it, and I was grateful for it.

But guess what my ego tried to do afterwards? It tried to make me feel bad all over again.

Instead of allowing it to do so, I smirked knowingly. Because I just took my power back through showing self-compassion. The ego’s attempt at making me feel bad was fruitless because I removed its capacity to inflict guilt, resentment, and regret. And it wasn't just for that moment either because whenever my ego tries recalling an instance where I supposedly made a huge mistake, or fell short, or didn't meet my own expectations… I repeat my truth and embody its power.

“That man was doing the best he could, and I love him for it.”

We’re not meant to look back at previous versions of ourselves and lay blame, resentment, guilt and all that other bullshit. How dare we, with all our new growth, experience, and elevated perspective, judge a previous version of ourselves. The funny part is that we wouldn’t even be standing on our elevated platforms if not for that past version and all they were made to endure in order to help us ascend to where we now stand. They were a VITAL step along our staircase of growth and without that step, we’d still be down there.

This is what it means to love yourself. (Psst – If you need a bit of help in this department please click this link to learn more on how I may be able to help)

Don’t worry about forgiving yourself, that’s like taking a connecting flight to self-love when you can take a direct flight instead. Realize that considering the circumstances, you were doing the best damn job you could and love that previous version of yourself. They freaking need it and you’ll be the one who benefits here and now. It’s pretty cool how all that works out.

If you’re struggling with a particular season or event in your past, here’s the technique I used to free myself of that pain and ascend to a loving place.

Loving our Past Selves

Step 1: Tell a loved one that you’ll be doing some self-care and you’d like for them to check in on you when you’re done. (This is heavy stuff, having support is important)

Step 2: Practice this mantra, say it 3-7 times in a row: “I was doing the best I could, and I love myself for it.”

Step 3: Sit somewhere cozy for a meditation or time of reflection and take yourself back into the memory.Step 4: Recall the memory, try reliving it in 3rd person, and pour as much love and gratitude into your past self as possible. Emotionally & Spiritually embrace them and repeat your mantra like you’re soothing a baby. (I know this is weird but it works)

Step 5: Allow any emotions which surface to flow freely from your being. Don’t hold back and let it all go.

Step 6: After you’re done, center in on awareness and compose yourself as much as possible.

Step 7: Think about everything you’ve accomplished since then. Think about all the growth you’ve experienced, the things you’ve gained, and the love you shared as well as given. Marinate in that beauty.

Step 8: Embody as much authentic gratitude for the step above as possible and allow any positive emotion to wash over you. Have fun here and celebrate yourself. This is super empowering and helps to effectively release the past trauma.

Step 9: Check in with that friend if need be and whenever your ego tries to drag you back into the memory, smirk knowingly with that well-established truth radiating within yourself, “I was doing the best I could, and I love myself for it.”

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